Advice

Getting it out of my system

I have reached the age where I want to give advice. To be clear, I don’t want to tell people what to do. I never have. When grown adults say they’re “in charge” of something, it makes me giggle. All I can think of are the preschoolers I used to teach when they’d say, “you’re not my boss.” They all weighed forty pounds tops. None of them could tie their shoes or read. They were iffy on going to the bathroom. They could not tell time. I was keeping their tiny selves safe and alive in the absence of their parents, who would return at the end of the day to take on the mountainous task of keeping these ridiculous little beings from self-destructing. Once you spend years with people under the age of four, the idea of control becomes laughable. And when adults insist they’re in charge, all I can see are those tiny three year olds stamping their feet at me before I made them stop pulling their friend’s hair.

Sure, adults, maintain your illusion of control. Gravity and your pelvic floor, if nothing else, are coming for you.

But if I don’t want to tell people what to do, I’ve discovered that I do want to give advice. I’ve learned some practical things in a half century, and I want to tell people about them. Young people, quite rightly, do not want advice. They want to figure things out, just as I did. So here on a Sunday morning, let me get all my advice out of my system and then we’ll just forget it ever happened.

Get your sleep now, young people -- You’re out at the clubs and the gym at all hours, and you’re saying, “I’ll sleep when I’m old.” No, you will not. If you’re going to get any sleep in this lifetime, It’s got to be now when you’re young. Last night, I migrated sleeplessly from the bed to the guest bed to the couch. And then back to the guest bed. And then to the couch. It was like I was circuit training at the gym, except for a surface to sleep on. Sleep now, young people, when your bodies do not rebel against the bed and send you wandering around your home at 3 in the morning. This is why you hear old people say, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” You’re not sleeping before then, unless you seize your youth and get yourself a good night’s sleep.

Yes, get a pet -- It’s good to live with animals. They’ll hang out with you on sleepless nights. Pets are expensive and needy and worth every minute and dollar. The dog and cat variety snuggle with you when you’re sad, which makes up for having to pick up their poop. Dogs -- and some cats -- think you’re the most interesting person on earth. As you get older, you’ll discover that your dog is alone in that belief. It doesn’t have to be a dog. Having a dog is like having a preverbal toddler. It can be a fish. On your worst days, your fish will mindlessly swim in their little bowl and remind you that they don’t know about Donald Trump. I don’t understand people who have inside birds. It seems like a recipe for histoplasmosis. Don’t come for me, bird people.

Save up for a chom-chom -- If you get a pet of the non-fish, furry type, you need a chom-chom. I have been removing pet hair from furniture for 28 years. Nothing works like a chom-chom. They are expensive. Twenty-five dollars is a lot of money for a lint roller. They are worth it. If you have to put $2 a month away in a dedicated savings account to buy one in a year, do it.

Have a dedicated savings account with a fun name -- If you can at all, you need to be putting a little money aside each month. I’m not talking about compounded interest and retirement, although that’s also important. You also need to be saving up some funds for emergencies. It’s not fun to think about emergencies, so call your savings account something that will motivate you to put money in and leave it in. Chris and I have a savings account for home repairs and travel. It’s called the “travel” account, because I’m way more likely not to touch it if I know it’ll get me back to the UK sooner. Even if I know that the money’s actually about to be used for a window replacement, dreaming about travel helps me save.

I could go on. Avoid fast fashion. Don’t Door Dash unless someone else is paying or you’re in a dangerous area. Cooling underpants are a thing and you deserve them. Grow plants. Murphy’s Oil will make your whole place smell clean fast. Open your windows for a few minutes every day. Have a hobby. Don’t judge other’s hobbies. Don’t try to be productive all the time. There is nothing wrong with trashy TV. Fix things when they’re first broken, whether relationships or plumbing. Don’t wait for things to get worse. Get your health screenings. Eat your vegetables. Buy an electric kettle.

I’ve gotten it out of my system here, and now I promise not to beleaguer the young people in my life with all this wisdom.